Hello, fellas. Welcome to your crash course in pre-coital dating.
The first three dates are sacred because as soon as you have sex, you will be thrust into the quagmire that is female emotion. How you behave on the first three dates determines whether or not you’ll get there.
You know how women behave after you’ve slept with them? All clingy and annoying? That’s how men act up until the relationship is consummated.
I will try to keep these points brief because I know guys have the attention span of Superbowl commercial. These tips will help you put your best foot forward, rather than in your mouth (because better body parts belong there, natch).
1) Call It Like It Is
It’s a date. Say so. If you don’t define it that way from the beginning, then you’re just hanging out and you risk being relegated to the friend zone. Once she sees you as “just a friend”, there’s not much hope for anything more.
If you’re only looking to get laid, I can’t help you. I imagine hitting the nearest bar and getting someone drunk would be the most efficient way to get a little lovin’, but having never been there nor done that, I can’t guarantee anything.
The fact is: women don’t date for sex. Biology dictates that if all she wanted was a little bump-n-grind, she could find some poor horndog with whom to do that. Women date for the companionship. If you’re not good company when fully dressed, don’t go out with her.
2) Be A Man With A Plan
Coffee is for friends. Drinks are for one-night-stands. Lunch is for co-workers. If your goal is dessert, you must do dinner.
Women want to let the go of the reins, so take initiative and suggest a place for the first date. Make sure it’s a place you feel comfortable in but not the same place you take every woman. (This town is small; people talk. She will find out.) Let her know you’re open to suggestions if she’s not crazy about the venue. Make reservations.
Ensure you have plenty of cash (stopping at the ATM on a date is so lame) and two credit cards (in case the venue doesn’t take one of them). Silence your cell phone and keep it out of sight; even better, leave it in your car.
Pick up something for her (in Spanish they call this un detalle, “a detail”). Do you know her favorite food? Favorite band? Something she mentioned needing? (Remember Rocky with the lightbulb?) Give it to her. Show her you’ve been paying attention. Can’t think of anything? Fine. That's what flowers are for. But never, ever give carnations.
3) Your Mind Can Be Dirty, But You Should Be Clean
I can’t believe I have to say this, but: take a shower. Brush your hair and your teeth. Don’t wear the same shirt as your online dating profile picture. Don’t wear the same shirt twice. She will notice…and wonder if you date too infrequently or don’t do laundry.
Bring breath freshener. Personally, I carry gum and Listerine strips on my person at all times. The nice thing about the strips is that you can discreetly tuck a pack in your pocket or wallet.
4) Be Your Buddha Self
When you arrive (early, so you don’t keep her waiting), be prepared for disappointment. She won’t look like her picture; you don’t, either. When she walks in the door, take a deep breath. Exhale. Allow a moment for mental adjustment as your fantasy of her merges with reality. Take another deep breath and exhale as you hug her hello. (There’s nothing sexy about a man who’s trembling upon first touch.)
Don’t misunderstand me. You should be yourself…but water down that enthusiasm a tad or you’ll scare her off.
When in doubt, just breathe.
5) Bite Your Tongue
First date conversation is a joint effort. By the end of the date, you should know as much about her as she does about you. This is not the time to make a speech on your greatness. Be confident, not cocky. You want her to get to know you, not a list of things you own or a play-by-play of your resume. If she has kids, ask about them. She’ll let you know if she’s uncomfortable, but at the very least, let her know you’re interested.
Throughout the date, give her three genuine compliments. Make sure at least one is about her personality. Do not compliment her breasts, no matter how luscious they may be. Don’t douse her in flattery or she’ll think you just want to sleep with her. (Which is not all you want to do with her, right?)
These words should never pass your lips on dates 1, 2, or 3:
- “Dude!”
- “God, I need a drink.”
- “I could fall asleep right now.”
- “How'd you manage to fuck that up?” (re: her failed marriage)
- “Back rub?”
- “Are those real?”
- “I bet you’re good with your mouth.”
- “I need to piss so bad I can taste it.”
- “Do you like porn?”
- “What’s a guy got to do to get blown around here?”
- “When’s the last time you got laid?”
- “Wanna fuck?”
- “You’ll get the next one.” (While paying the bill.)
(Yes, I have heard these all phrases come out of men's mouths at some point.)
Other off-limits topics:
- Religion
- Politics
- Natural Disasters
- Health Issues
- Addictions
- Death
- Family Baggage
- Homicidal, Suicidal and/or American Idol Tendencies
- Exes
- Sexual Preferences/Favorite Positions/"The Number" (yours or hers)
Remember: this is a date, not the 10 o’clock newscast. Keep the blood and gore for later. Also note: any story that begins with “I was so drunk…” does not need to be told. Finally, if you do anything at your parents’ place (squat, laundry, masturbate) don’t mention it.
You will need to open up to her about your past eventually, but wait until you’re committed before you start showing off your scars. Psychology says it takes five positives to counteract one negative. Start the ratio right.
If something comes up (like your stint in the clink), spin it positively a la "It was a learning experience. It made me who I am today."
If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. In fact, don’t badmouth anybody. Especially your ex or your baby's mama. Be a beacon of positivity. Finally, don’t insult your server. Few of us make it through life without being on the other side of the menu.
Totally safe conversation topics include music, books, sports, travel, education/career and hobbies. Movies and TV are okay, too, but not in excess. (You don’t want to seem like a recluse.)
If you know you struggle at small talk, prepare in advance by skimming a local publication for buzz-worthy topics.
6) Put Your Money Where Your Heart Is
Pay. For. Everything. Yes, everything. Men were put on this Earth to procreate, protect and provide. Since we’re holding off on the procreation, the least you can do is pay for her dinner. If you find yourself feeling bitter about that, you shouldn’t be dating her in the first place.
And since you’re paying…eat. Nothing irks me more than a man who barely picks at his meal while I lick my plate clean. It makes me feel fat. And you know what woman wants to flirt when she feels fat? No woman.
As for booze: two drinks, tops. If you have to be drunk to be fun, you have bigger problems than meeting women. If she’s not drinking at all (ahem, me), stop after one drink. Contrary to what your (closet alcoholic) friends tell you, you are not more entertaining when inebriated. You’re just idiotic.
7) Have a Good Goodbye
Walk her to her car but do not get in it.
End with a plan to see her again. If she’s not willing to set a date, at least let her know you’re interested and that you’ll be in touch.
If you’re not feeling great by the end of date one, don’t kiss her. Hug her goodbye instead. No matter what, however, kiss her by the end of the second date. Why? Because if you don’t, she’s going to wonder why you’re not attracted to her. There’s also the pressure of a certain something to occur on the third date. If kissing you freaks her out (or vice versa), you might as well cut your losses now.
BTW: Only pussies ask permission to kiss a girl. Just do it. If she’s not into it, she’ll duck out of the way, slap you, or run screaming in the other direction. No matter what, you’ll get the message.
8) Follow Through
I can’t stress this step enough. It is by far the most important thing a man does in a relationship.
Call the next morning. Email if you don't have her number. I love the "That was awesome!" or "You're amazing!" messages, even if it's bullshit that I've heard a gazillion times before.
Do not do this on the same night as the date or you will come off too strong. (Especially creepy is when you text before she even gets home.) Also, do not wait more than 24 hours post-date to contact her or you will seem disinterested. There is no 48-hour rule...unless you're talking about my "wait 48 hours to contact me and you will be blacklisted" rule.
If you’re not sure if you clicked, you probably didn’t. (When I play “hard to get” it’s because I don’t want to be gotten.)
One man I went out with said his post-date policy is three attempts at contact. If she doesn’t respond after that, he stops trying. I fully endorse this strategy.
No matter what, do not friend her on Facebook. Do not friend her on Facebook. And...do not friend her on Facebook. Don’t friend her friends, either. And no Twitter following. In fact, the less you two interact online, the better. Face-to-face is the only way you'll ever get her on your face.
***
Is that enough for y’all to chew on? I know it probably seems like I’m complicating something that should come naturally. Experience, however, shows that a lot of guys need a little help. That’s not me hating on men; in fact, I’m on your side. I think the world would be a happier place if we all had satisfying social lives (and got laid more often…but common decency dictates you have to jump through these courtship hoops first).
Successful dating is all about reading social signals. Your best tool is your intuition. Trust it. Treat women as you’d like men to treat your little sister. Be polite. Be upfront. Be honest. Don’t do stupid shit like sleeping with people you have no intention of seeing again (at least, not fully dressed).
Ultimately, if it’s meant to happen, it will. And if it’s not, at least you have blog material. (Oh, wait, that’s just me…)
As for what happens after you have sex? Ha! The rules go out the window. You are on your own.
Published on the Crazy Sexy Delicious blog in May 2011
FIRST DATE DOS AND DON'TS
I thought I'd covered all the bases for the early stages of dating in my Art of Seduction post. My latest round of mis-Match, however, made me realize that you guys need a refresher, if not a smack upside the head. I'm not saying the guy I went out with last week was guilty of all these sins; in fact, he was better than the average online dude but it just wasn't the right fit. (And it's all about the fit, isn't it, ladies?)
I'm a firm believer that when it's right, you can do no wrong, and if you fall head-over-heels, you won't be able to hear my good advice from that face-down position on the ground anyway. But these pointers will at least help you get to date number two with a girl who's slow to warm up, indecisive, or totally out of your league.
1) Give her a wardrobe warning.
If she’s going to be walking long distances and/or on uneven terrain, let her know. Ditto if she is going to be outdoors or in an either very hot or very cold environment. (Which begs the question: WTF are you thinking?) BTW: If appropriate wardrobe for the first date is a hoodie and jeans, you’ve picked the wrong event. Up the sophistication quotient. You only get one chance to make a first impression.
2) This is a no fly zone.
It’s no secret that guys like to fly by the seat of their pants, but a first date is not the time to do it. What you do with her is up to you; ideally, it’ll be something you both enjoy—sex not included! As I’ve emphasized before, plan ahead. Activities are awesome, but make sure it’s one you’ll be able to talk through, because (surprise!) that’s the whole point of a first date. If it’s something involving a performance (not that kind, gutter-minded guys!), make sure you’ve planned to meet beforehand so that you at least know who the person is sitting next to you is. This way, if you try to pull the lame stretch-and-wrap-the-arm-around-the-shoulder move, it won’t be creepy since you’ve actually had a conversation with her.
3) Don’t be a cheapskate.
Never, ever, ever use a coupon or other discount on a date. Sure, you think you’re demonstrating how practical and economically intelligent you can be, but you know what? Cutting corners on what should be a rare, special night out says, “You’re not worth full price.”
If she's the one you want, you will spare no expense. If it pains you to treat her to an impressive meal, don’t ask her out on a date. Accept that you’re an asshole and booty call her instead. If that doesn't work, well, there are women you can pay for whatever it is you're craving.
My point is: you get what you pay for. You want to get got by that girl? Then show her the money, honey. (Need proof? I have never slept with a man on a first date that did not include dinner.)
As soon as she tricks you into a relationship, you won’t be going out anymore anyways. (They don’t call it a ball-and-chain for nothin’.) In a month from now, it’ll be bad TV, pizza delivery, and matching sweats on the couch. So enjoy this opportunity to get gussied up and eat grub you can’t pronounce while you still can.
4) Do not drop the “F” bomb.
The word “future” does not belong on a first date. Dude, I know she’s hot (because, as I’ve learned, that’s the only reason you asked a woman out in the first place), but you just met her. There should be no discussion about how much your parents will like her, how life will be when you’re living together, or how many children you want someday. Imagine if the roles were reversed. Reproduction should not be on the menu until you’re actually at risk of procreating (i.e. having sex; and even then, ease into it).
5) Do not get tanked.
Don’t let her get inebriated, either. Drunk people are not fun. They’re annoying. Impose a two-drink maximum for yourself and hope she follows suit. If she doesn’t drink, your limit is one. Better yet: have a drink beforehand so you don’t have to have the awkward “So why is it you don’t drink?” conversation.
6) No smoking.
No exceptions. Unless you are a rock star who smokes American Spirits, cigs are not sexy. It makes her (most likely “dry clean only”) clothes and super-fussed-over hair stink, not to mention your breath. What that means to you is: no kisses. And if you do happen to lock lips, you will get no tongue. Unless she smokes, too, in which case: you deserve each other. (*Gags over shoulder.*)
7) Do not parade your date.
I know your dick thinks she’s adorable, but you don’t know this woman. She does not need to meet your roommate, your childhood buddy, your BFFF (Best Female Friend Forever), parents, siblings, or anyone else she might run into later and to whom she would have to explain why there was never a second date.
8) Don’t go long.
Remember that in the beginning (BC = before coitus), roles are reversed: men are the ones ready to dive headfirst into coupledom while women are more cautious. Just because you’re seeing stars doesn’t mean you can keep this thing going until the sun comes up. It is totally possible to overdose on pheromones and willpower is limited. Put two horny people together long enough and you’ll end up doing something regrettable. Get in & out while it’s all good and you’re both still dressed. Give us time to breathe, take it all in, and gush to our girlfriends. In the early, pre-sex stages, less is more. You will see her again soon if the gaga feelings are mutual.
9) Do not ask her to “rate the date.”
If the outing is going well, you’ll know. She’ll be laughing and batting her eyelashes and finding excuses to touch you. If it’s not going well, she’ll probably be faking all those things (poorly) and won’t tell you the truth even if you ask. Don’t make her utter an awkward “Um. Yeah. This is great.” If she enjoyed herself, she’ll accept your second offer for a date.
10) Do not discuss the second date until the end of the first date.
I once told my readers that if you like the girl, make plans for the next date before the first date ends. I still stand by that commandment, but after being asked on a second date 15 minutes into my latest first date, I feel the need to be more specific. The reason why you want to wait to ask about the second date is because she can’t commit until the first date is done. The average meet-and-greet lasts anywhere from one to three hours, meaning that you still have plenty of opportunities to say or do something downright disgusting, offensive, or retarded that will turn her off forever. (I share because I care.)
At the end of date one, if all has gone well, tell her you’d like to do this again. Mention something in particular to do and float a day to do it.
YOU: “I’d really like to check out that concert/exhibit/restaurant with you.”
HER (if she’s polite): “Me, too!”
YOU: “Great. Let’s plan on that. Saturday okay?”
This is where she’ll have one of two responses:
A) “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.” (This probably means “no” but she’s too kind to reject you to your face.)
B) “Absolutely!” (This might still mean “no.” If it does, you’ll get an uncomfortable e-mail about it later.)
If she's into you, she'll receive your follow-up phone call with an enthusiastic "yes!" And, yes, you should be calling. Texting is for boys. Be a man.
11) Learn to take “no” for an answer. Or not.
Pressure is good. Really good. Know what’s even better? Persistence. Sometimes women opt out of dates not because of fear but because of apathy. Getting ready to go out is a lot of work. (Especially for the girls who say they don’t have to try. Liars.) By 8 p.m., when the kids are in bed and the house is finally quiet, just the thought of taking a shower, shaving the legs, drying and ironing the hair, putting on the makeup, painting the nails, etc. etc. etc, is exhausting. This is especially true if it’s all for a first date, when she knows that will not (or at least should not) get naked with you. If the date sucks, all that prep time was in vain. That’s one to two hours of her life she’ll never get back.
So if she tries to cancel last-minute, don’t let her. Turn up the charm. See if you can make this any easier for her, like by offering to have a valet waiting when she arrives at the restaurant. (And then make sure you follow through!) Let her know how excited you are to see her.
This technique has worked on me before. Persistence pays. Hell, the guy I'm currently bedding is a prime example of a man who simply would. Not. Give. Up.
The flip side of this, of course, is that there comes a point when your interest becomes downright annoying. If she’s turned you down more than three times (or she’s just plain stood you up), stop asking.
**
Did you get a second date? Good. (If you didn't, thank goodness. She wasn't right for you anyway.)
Second dates should be fun, because you’re not so stressed out about whether or not she likes you. Now the question to focus on is: do you like her? (Repeat: this is not the same thing as “Is she hot?” You already determined that on date one.) Second dates are great because while you may be flirting with the idea of fucking, you won’t go there yet if you're smart. It’s not until the notorious third date that things get tricky. Keep it in your pants as long as possible, because once those bonding hormones get released, that hard-to-get girl is going to be hard to get rid of.
Published on the Crazy Sexy Delicious blog in December 2011
